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Oh, what a day at the park i have just had! I was only in the vicinity to use the public toilets at the municipal sports centre, when i chanced upon a procession. It was a charity fun run – three laps of the playing fields to raise much needed funds for the local hospice. It fair buoyed my mood, as i merrily clapped along the mothers and the fathers and the children, all doing ‘their bit’. There were three young woman dressed as pink fairies. Two men (carrying a fair bit of weight, judging by their wheezing) as a pantomime horse. And a moose.

I only mention the moose because later on i played it at a penalty shoot-out, all in the aid of further sponsorship. It’s difficult to say how the challenge materialised – i suspect it had something to do with the cans of strong lager that the moose was necking down. Either way, i set the ball upon the penalty spot and took two paces back. I simply had to net a goal to claim victory, as the moose has already missed all of his three attempts. I struck the football hard and true, but it spun off one of his spongy antlers and around the post.

‘I demand a retake!’ i shouted, but the moose was having none of it. ‘Right, you cunt,’ and i charged him, grabbing his costume-covered legs and bringing him to the ground. We rolled about on the pitch, fists pummelling, knees connecting with groins. Finally, i got the better of him, and rose to my feet to administer a series of violent kicks to the abdomen. I left the charity event with the moose hunched over, throwing up into a litter bin, and an angry crowd hissing me. ‘Rules are rules,’ i calmly stated, picking up my coat and collecting the winnings.

Some pretty photos i took shortly before the assault…