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Arkwood and I are up and running with the PiAUISuite Voice Command software on our Raspberry Pi. Steven Hickson has put this code together, alongside some other useful utilities we are yet to explore.

Installation was a breeze due to the handy walkthrough videos. Arkwood was keen to enable all features, clutching at his privates with excitement, but I told him to hold off. ‘Wait until we have the necessary usernames and passwords,’ I appeased. Voice Command was the final step of the installation – we turned it on.

‘Give me the mic! Give me the mic!’ Arkwood screamed with delight. Not yet, I told him. We still need to set up our preferences. Being new to Pi, we ran into a bit of a hitch running the config file from the LXTerminal – Can’t find config file!, it told us, trying instead to create a new one. Arkwood was beside himself, tears streaming down his pale cheeks. No worries, I placated, we’ll simply amend the existing config file with LeafPad and then point to it with a flag in the terminal:

voicecommand -f /home/pi/PiAUISuite/VoiceCommand/commands.conf

Oh my goodness, the program was now waiting for us to speak. As my buddy and I fought over the Logitech HD 720p webcam with built-in microphone, a Google fembot told us through the HDMI cable to TV set speakers that there was No translation.

‘You damn fool!’ I chided, Arkwood now in ownership of the mic. ‘Okay, this is it,’ I continued, ‘We are about to make history. Choose your words carefully.’ I reset the program, and bowed my head in reverence, waiting for my friend to utter something profound.

Arkwood: ‘Dicksplash!’

Google fembot: ‘Could not find answer. Try again.’

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. And angry too. Indeed, I was so furious with Arkwood that I pummelled my fist into his groin, causing him to double over and spit blood. What’s more, he wet himself, making his outburst all the more prophetic.

‘Imagine if Neil Armstrong had made such an offensive remark whilst alighting onto the surface of the moon. You should be ashamed of yourself.’

No matter. We soon got the hang of the software, using our voice to control our Pi.

Me: ‘Internet’

And, lo and behold, the web browser was launched.

pi_piauisuitevoicecommand

Soon I will instruct PiAUISuite Voice Command to send texts on my behalf, and to read me the local weather forecast, all from the vibrations of my larynx. I will let you know how I get on. But right now I am off to get some bandages for Arkwood’s bruised gonads.